The Lounge

Do you believe you can exert control over your future, or do you feel that you are at the mercy of fate?  There are a lot of folks who feel that their lives, and the world around them, are spinning out of control. Today we are going to talk about how beliefs affect what happens to us.  

The amount of control you believe you have over your life has a great deal to do with what you are willing to try, and therefore it also has a great deal to do with what you accomplish. 

Jungian analyst John Sanford tells about a depressed musician for whom neither therapy nor prayer was helping. One day, the man's car had a flat on the highway, miles from a phone.  At first, he stood staring at the car, paralyzed, realizing it had been years since he had changed a tire.  Although he wasn't sure how to use the jack and other tools, he began to work on the task.  After an hour of sweat and struggle, he finally got the spare tire on. Back in the car, he realized that he was no longer depressed!

This small success showed him the way to approach his larger problems. He clearly had more control over his destiny than he had thought. He could do more than he thought, if only he would try, if only he would believe in himself enough to plunge in and start. He did not need to be perfect and he did not need to have all the answers before he started.  He could take control, and when he did, it felt good.

So if you are feeling helpless and seemingly at the mercy of the ever-changing world around you, take heart and take action - any action you can manage that will get you moving in the direction you want to go.

Have you ever heard it said that the things you see and dislike in others are things you probably dislike about yourself? Today, let's look at this idea in a bit more depth.  

When you see things about other people that you don't like, can it teach you anything about yourself? For instance, if you look at someone and think, "He's angry, and I don't like that," could it be that you don't like it when you, yourself are angry?

If you look at someone and say, "She's really scared. Why doesn't she just do it?" could it be there's something you are scared about that you wish you would just "do"? Suppose you disapprove of smoking but don't smoke yourself, so you wonder how that could be about you. Well, ask yourself, "Why do I disapprove of smoking?" Perhaps it's because smoking is unhealthy. If you look within yourself, you may find that you, too, do things that are unhealthy which trouble you. Or perhaps you may disapprove because you consider smoking inconsiderate, and there are ways that you, too, are inconsiderate.

You see, when we judge others, and if we look within, we will usually find a similar judgment about ourselves. Now, judgments never do any good, but once you understand what you're really doing, you can, if you choose, decide to stop.

So, the next time you disapprove of someone else, take a look within and see what you can learn about yourself.

If you are a parent or grandparent, you know there are plenty of rules for raising kids. Today, I'm going to tell you why ignoring these rules can sometimes be a good idea.

Some years ago, in his book, How to Parent, Dr. Fitzhugh Dodson said that, "Raising a child is a human relationship, and human relationships cannot be reduced to a set of rules."

I agree. Rules are only guidelines, and both you and your child are unique. Each of you is a product of a special combination of genes and environment that has never existed before. What's more, you have a special relationship with each of your children that is different from the relationship of any other two people on this planet.

So, avoid the mistake of trying to fit this relationship into any preconceived idea of what it's "supposed to be" like. Refrain from dogmatically following a set of rules, even when the rules are written by a so-called "expert." And, don't try to force your child to conform to someone else's idea of what she or he should be.

The most important thing you can do for your children or grandchildren is to offer them stability, guidance and support while they explore, and learn to realize, the unique potential self which is unfolding within them.

You can reinforce their efforts to achieve worthwhile goals, you can set reasonable limits, and you can remain flexible. But most of all, you can make sure they know that you recognize and respect them for the goodness that resides within each of them.

The finest professional animal trainers never punish their animals, except as a last resort or to prevent injury. They know that punishment only suppresses undesirable behavior temporarily. Once the punishment is withdrawn, the behavior tends to return.

They also know that punishment teaches their animals to hate and fear them - the last thing a trainer wants. If you've ever watched the "dog whisperer", Cesar Millan, you know what I mean.

It is no different for people. Just think about it: How well do you learn from someone you would much rather avoid? How well do you respond to someone who's trying to get you to do something by threatening or hurting you? How much do you learn under adverse conditions, and how quickly do you forget what you've learned?

Of course, when it comes to children, we need to be realistic. If you have a two-year-old who is too young to reason with and who repeatedly runs out into a busy street, your only alternative may be some form of punishment.

But in a vast majority of situations, we can best teach others by praising their efforts, no matter how faltering or incomplete, and building their confidence, step by step.

For young children, be sure the learning task is within the child's capacity, ignore mistakes, focus on successes, and be patient. In fact, patience goes a long way in most situations. We can goal-set all we want, but some situations we simply have no control over. This is where our resiliency and option thinking abilities come to the forefront.

So, focus on the end result you want, gather your positive self-talk, and let your natural creativity find the answers to the challenges you face. I think you'll be pleased with the results.

Two weeks ago, we got into our goal-setting and visualization process, and while you may not be seeing a great deal of change yet, you should be feeling the tension growing between where you are and where you want to be. This is perfectly natural, in fact, it is necessary. Keep the picture of where you want to be growing ever stronger, and your behavior will follow.

Now, I received a response from a person who is concerned that all these "wants" are beginning to sound selfish. Any time you put the word "I" at the head of a sentence, it automatically becomes about "me." But in order to grow a better me, or a better you, you will need to set the goals for yourself - this is not something someone else can do for you.

What is important here is the quality of the goals you set. If you are setting goals for enormous financial gain, power, or the run up the corporate ladder, that's OK - if that's the end you want. However, the real point of setting these goals, and affirming their achievement, is to unlock those skills and talents that have been lying dormant inside you. All that potential that is inside each of us is wasted if it is ignored or left unfulfilled. The world will be a poorer place because of it.

When you honestly work at building a better you, you are positively influencing those around you. You are becoming a better spouse, parent or grandparent; a better brother or sister or child. Your relationships at work improve, and you become a coach, in a sense, to those around you. This influence begins to extend out to your neighborhood and community, to your city or town, and to your nation - and we all begin to build a better world.

Wonderful things can some from this simple, "selfish" act of setting goals. What can you see?

One of the most important things we can teach our children is a sense of responsibility. But have you ever thought about exactly why this is so important? Let's explore this idea.

Most of us believe that raising our children to have a strong sense of responsibility is important. But what does it mean to be responsible? And why is it so important?

Well, for one thing, responsibility goes hand in hand with confidence and the feeling of controlling of one's own life. When we are responsible, it means that we are capable of making rational or moral decisions on our own, and that we are answerable to others for our behavior. It means that we can be trusted and depended on - that our word to others, and to ourselves, is good.

Responsibility also suggests the ability to choose the way we respond to life's events, rather than simply reacting by reflex. With responsibility as a part of our personal philosophy, our attitude is then reflected outward in our behavior toward friends and family, clients and customers, and anyone else we come in contact with.

Feeling responsible is a very good feeling. As a matter of fact, it's an essential feeling if we are truly going to live up to our potential, enjoy satisfying relationships with others, and live happy, fulfilling lives.

So how do we teach our kids to be responsible? Well, the surest way is by being responsible ourselves. It also helps to explain the benefits of responsibility to them, and to give them gradually increasing responsibilities as soon as they are old enough to handle it. Praise their efforts. Let them know that you see them as responsible, and watch them grow into it.

When you find yourself having to navigate your way through a crisis, what can you do to come out on the other side stronger for the experience?  

Every crisis involves risk. It may be fraught with danger, but it is also an opportunity for tremendous learning and growth. Crisis is a time of testing, but it is also a time of renewal.

Many people, when faced with crisis, tell themselves that they have failed and convince themselves that there is no point in trying any longer. For example, if a young woman tries to become a professional writer and fails, it does not mean she is a failure as a person or that her life is a failure. It simply means that, at this particular time in her life, her attempts at writing for a living are not working out.

There are many other possible choices she can make, including trying again at some point in the future. She has not failed, and she does not have to give up her dream. But she does need to learn from the attempt and, perhaps, rethink her strategy. Is there another way she can go about it? Does she need more education? More experience? More exposure? Help promoting her work?

Failure is only failure if you let it cause you to quit. If you choose to let it help you, it is merely information you can learn from. It is in meeting crisis with determination that we measure up to life and its challenges. In so doing, we develop tenacity and great inner strength.

I once heard that, "Old age is not for sissies." The fact is, life itself is not for sissies.

When you think about the trials of old age, it is easy to agree that old age is not for sissies. But you know, every age has its trials. When we're young, we face difficult decisions about education, career and marriage. We struggle to come to terms with our emotions, hormones, and identity issues.

Later, we agonize over raising our children, gaining financial security, and retirement. Life, if we are living it fully, never ceases to present us with challenges and problems to solve. The secret to successful living is not in finding an easy, carefree existence, but in being adequate for the trials that life brings.

Stanley Jones once said that we don't break down from overwork, but from "under being."  I agree. Most of us are not given too much to cope with. It's just that sometimes we feel as if our inner resources are low. 

A camping supply company slogan puts it this way: "See us for supplies so you can rough it smoothly." To rough it smoothly through life, you need to be well equipped, too. You need good values, a good support system of people who care about you, a purpose you believe in strongly, an optimistic spirit, respect for others, and respect for yourself, as well.

Just like a well-supplied camper, if you have these things, it won't matter much if the weather turns bad where you set up camp. You will come through just fine.

Today we are going over the secret of success, in one word. And, I am going to guarantee it. One word, I promise.

For over 40 years, I have been studying success. Some of the most successful people in the world have been my students, and I, in turn, have learned a great deal from them. I have also spent a lot of time in the company of some of the world's most respected research psychologists, talking about what makes some people succeed and others collapse - the difference, in short, between the cans and the can-nots, the do's and the do-nots.

And after all these years of study and research, I can tell you one thing with the utmost confidence: the secret of success is "Attitude." That's it. And it is really not a secret. People who succeed do not have fewer problems than other people. They do not start out with the most brainpower or better parents or more money, either.  

As a matter of fact, sometimes they start out working against incredible odds. But they have a way of looking at things, a way of seeing obstacles as possibilities, a way of hanging in there and making the most of every opportunity that almost guarantees success. If you are running up against an unexpected challenge, do an attitude check. Ask yourself, "Am I not seeing the way around, because of an attitude?"

You are successful - and flexible, optimistic and hardworking. So if you want to sum it up in a word, it is not difficult to do: success is a question of attitude.

Everyone wants to be happy, but not everyone knows how. Today, I'll tell you about two ways to be happy, and one of them is guaranteed.

What does happiness mean to you? Some people think happiness is getting all or most of the things they want. They always have lists of new things they want or are about to get: cars, vacations, fancy clothes, new furniture for their houses, the latest electronic toys.

But often these people are deeply discontented, for no matter how much they acquire, they never seem to have enough.  A new acquisition brings them pleasure, but only for a little while.  Happiness is always in the future, always appearing and then disappearing.

Someone once said that there are two ways to be happy: the first is to have all the things that you want; the second is to have the wisdom to enjoy the things you have. When you practice the second way, you are able to appreciate the beauty that exists in the simplest elements of life.  Even in hardship, you will find many reasons to feel joy on a daily basis.

Sure, you will feel good when you acquire something new. But your real and lasting happiness will be found in relationships, in simple pleasures, in nature, and in actions that show love.

If you remember that the time to be happy is now and the place to be happy is where you are, you will find a joy that no amount of money can buy.